this is all wrong
by starchaserxonea
Summary: In which Natsu, Gajeel and Gray get a weird "curse" and their personalities are... changed? What'll happen? I don't know? I don't own FT and rated T for language. A drabble series focusing on these three lovely characters. Pure crack.
1. Chapter 1

_In which three mages get cursed, and their personalities take a 360 degree turn for the fucking worst._

* * *

"Levy." Gajeel was talking strangely, but whatever.

"What?"

"You look hot."

Levy choked on her spit. "_What_?"

"What?" He asked, nonchalant and he was _smoking a cigarette?_

"Where did you get the cigarette?" She asked even though her face was on fire. He looked at it as if just noticing it, then got a goofy grin on his face.

"I don't know." She pressed her palm to her face and let out a silent scream.

* * *

Natsu was staring intently at the wooden pillar in front of him. Lucy came up and touched his shoulder, kind of sort of worried for his safety. He responded coldly.

"What."

It wasn't a question.

"You're acting weird." She commented and he scoffed before throwing his scarf at her abruptly. "Uh, Natsu?"

"It's fucking hot in here – get that goddamn thing away from me."

"_What_?" He turned around and glared at her question and made her feel like the stupidest thing since… well him. "You never take this off."

"That might explain why it's hotter than sin."

"What're you staring at?" She asked randomly, and he glared once more at her.

"The fucking wooden pillar, dumbass." He growled.

"Obviously; but why?"

"I'm counting the motherfucking grains." Lucy bit back a laugh.

"Seriously?" He sent her a scathing glare.

"Seriously."

Lucy slowly walked away while holding onto a warm, white scarf and trying to decipher whatever the hell just happened.

* * *

"Guys – guys, I'm serious, I need hair gel." Gray abruptly yelled to the rowdy guild.

"What?"

"Yes – I need hair gel. Someone go get it for me; now." He commanded, and people just stared at him, waiting for the punch line. He opened his eyes, angry at being ignored. "This hair isn't going to style itself bitches."

And with that, Juvia sprinted out of the guild, determined to buy the best hair gel in town.

"That's a girl who knows what's going on," He exclaimed, pointing to the guild doors with a satisfied smirk. "But seriously, do I look good in this shirt? Fuck – Lucy I need that scarf." She gave him a bewildered look.

"This is Natsu's."

"No shit Sherlock but its motherfucking cold as balls in here, so chop-chop." He clapped his hands together, and she shook her head and looked to Erza for help, who was eating cake. (Yea good luck Lucy)

"He can have it for fuck's sake! Just stop bothering me – goddamn." Natsu screeched while tugging at his bubblegum locks. The guild was now officially interested and everyone was listening to those two… that is, until Gajeel joined the fray.

"Natsu would like a homeless guy wearing it anyways – just give the damn thing to ice princess over there." Suddenly, Gray smiled a genuine smile at Gajeel.

"You think I'm a princess?"

"Shut the FUCK UP! Both of you! Dammit – will it kill you bitches to stay quiet for a while?!" Nobody was really listening to Natsu now. Gajeel stalked over to Lucy and grabbed the fucking scarf and hurled it at that damn whiny princess.

"Wait – if it looks homeless on Natsu, then does it look homeless on me?" He asked, then the little bastard twirled, and Gajeel just shrugged.

"Honestly you looked homeless before you even put that on, so fuck if I know." Then he suddenly walked over to the stage and then tapped the microphone, gaining all of the attention and the lights switched off.

"TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON – FUCK I NEED TO COUNT THESE GRAINS OKAY."

"I agree with Dragqueen over there, we need lights so I can admire myself properly."

"Shut up you whiny hos. No, I have important shit to announce. Basically, I'm just saying that I'm a motherfucking single-ass guy who likes chicks that are blue-haired. Seriously, it's hot. But blonde is okay." Then he wrinkled his nose. "Never mind – don't want bunny girl. Smells like a fucking garden overflowing with strawberries." Lucy scoffed at this.

"She smells fine you dumbfuck." Natsu growled from somewhere in the back of the guild.

"Natsu you have no sense of smell. Honestly." Gray called and he spun in a circle, giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Gray you look like a prissy little bitch; I take it back. Ditch the scarf." Gajeel muttered, and Gray stopped spinning; he looked to be on the verge of tears. Suddenly there was a bang and then Juvia came sprinting in the guild.

"Gray-sama! I got your hair gel!" She squealed and hurled herself into his arms, not expecting to be caught.

"Yo, thanks, cutie." He grinned, and she promptly fell over, fainting from complete shock.

"See you bastards!? Learn how to work a lady," He growled at the two dragon slayers on either side of the guild and then dropped a passed-out Juvia on a table.

"Real smooth," Natsu muttered. "You made her die. What're you going to do now?" Gajeel pointed at him and slipped on a pair of sunglasses.

"Cock sucker over there has a point; now you're going to go rot in a jail cell and you'll die there. Then what're you gonna do?" Gajeel asked before biting on a cigar.

"Where did the cigar come from?!" Levy squeaked in frustration while tugging at her blue hair.

Suddenly, Gray's face looked panicked. "Oh god, she got the wrong brand! What am I going to do?! Now I've got a dead woman on my hands and I can't even go to jail with the proper look!?" Gray was mortified. Natsu and Gajeel were just nodding solemnly.

"Yea, you're fucked." Natsu said, and Gajeel agreed. Gray sat on the floor and clutched his head.

"This is all wrong."

The guild seriously was beginning to agree with him.

* * *

_Sorry not sorry.  
Reviews turn me into a squealing school girl._


	2. Chapter 2

_sorry not sorry. review!_

* * *

"Gray stop touching me."

…

"Gray I mean it."

…

"FOR FUCKS SAKE GRAY GO AWAY OKAY."

"But Natsu-!"

"GOD SHUT UP YOU BABIES." Gajeel suddenly sauntered up and sent them a smirk. "You two are such prissy bitches." He received two middles fingers as answers.

"You would." He said while running a hand down his body.

Gray tapped his chin as if thinking that over while Natsu unceremoniously dropped to the ground.

"He's dead." Gray inclined his head and nodded at Gajeel, agreeing with him.

"Yep."

* * *

"Gajeel, why are you wearing Gray's boxers on your head?"

"Because, Lucy, I fucking can."

"But –,"

"GIVE JUVIA GRAY-SAMA'S UNDERWEAR!"

"JUVIA DON'T TOUCH ME OKAY."

"Then give Juvia the boxers!"

"Lucy – save me!" Gajeel screeched right before he was encased in an orb of water.

"Never before would I have thought that I would miss the nickname Bunny Girl so much."

"GRAY STOP TOUCHING ME."

"BUT NATSU I WANT TO."

Lucy's eyebrow twitched as she turned away from the drowning Gajeel and stared at the arguing idiots.

"FUCK JUST – NO GET THE SCARF OFF OF ME OKAY."

His face was slowly turning a vibrant shade of blue as Gray choked him with the scaly scarf.

"ONLY IF YOU BUY ME HAIRSPRAY."

"I… thought… you… liked… hair… gel…" Natsu choked out and Lucy was dying from laughter.

"I DO YOU DICK BUT I LIKE A LOT OF THINGS."

"What the fuck is going on?" Lucy asked nobody in particular.

* * *

"Levy let me poke you okay."

"No Gajeel back off I'm reading."

"But please."

"But no-!"

A pink dress suddenly slammed onto the table. Natsu and Gajeel looked up along with their bitches ("Fuck off Gray.") and shrugged, unsurprised.

"Finally came out?" Gajeel's comment went unnoticed.

Gray pointed at the blue haired water mage who was across the guild as she talked animatedly to some fucktard that Gray didn't care about. "Somebody strip her for me." Lucy and Levy choked on air and Natsu just raised a perfect bubblegum eyebrow.

"Now you need our help getting laid?"

Gray shot Natsu a bewildered look and then caught a glance of himself in a mirror. Then he was lost as he tried to fix a stray strand of hair.

"Just go bang her in a closet, damn." Levy shot Gajeel an irritated look, and he just waved a hand flippantly.

"No you fucks, I want her to wear this." He gestured to the pink _thing _on the table without taking his eyes off of his reflection.

"Is this some weird fetish I don't know of ("What? Do you know of a lot?")?" Lucy gave Natsu a weird look, but he just shot her a glare. "What the fuck are you lookin' at Luce?" She sighed and smacked her blonde head against the table.

"No you dumbfuck but she'd look hotter than dicks in this so go get her and strip her."

"STRIP WHO GRAY-SAMA?!"

"Oh good I was looking for you."

"REALLY?!" Her eyes were no longer eyes – they were hearts. Lucy tried not to die, but failed. Gajeel leaned over Levy and whispered in Natsu's ear, thinking that the rest couldn't hear them.

"Is she dead?" Gajeel asked and Natsu looked at him as if he was stupid.

"Well duh you dumbass."

"Yes really." Gray replied to Juvia, who looked ready to die.

"What can Juvia do you, Gray-sama!?" She asked excitedly, and Gray just smirked at her.

"Let me love you." Was what he said, and she squeaked. "But only if," He dipped in close and got near her ear and she shivered. ("I feel like I'm watching a porn scene, Gajeel." "Fuck off Natsu and shut your fat mouth.") "If you wear this."

Then he dumped the sequin covered pink satin _thing _on her and she was soon buried under a mountain of fluff. Gajeel shook his head at the moving lump. ("I no longer feel that same sense of erotica." "I thought I told you to shut your hole.")

"You're going to hell for your sins, Gray."

"Fuck off Gajeel I know what I'm doing." Then he caught sight of his reflection again and twirled. "But it'll all be worth it once I become a designer." They could no longer follow his train of thought.

"Just shut up so I can sleep." Natsu muttered against the table.

"Fuck all of you."

"You wish." Gray muttered.

* * *

"… 49, 780… 49,781… 49,782…" Gajeel slapped Natsu's back and he fell to the ground, sputtering. Then his eyes widened in horror. "YOU MADE ME LOSE COUNT YOU NASTY DICK."

"You shouldn't be counting how many strands of hair dead Lucy has anyways."

"WHY THE HELL NOT."

"Because it's motherfucking disrespectful to the dead you douche."

"I'm not dead-!" Came the reply from Lucy, but she was quickly hushed.

"God Lucy shut up damn." Gajeel growled.

"Hey don't be mean to dead people."

"Natsu you're stupider than you look which is incredible."

"It's harder than it looks."

"I doubt it."

Gray slapped them both of the back and Gajeel stepped on Lucy's hand who groaned in dismay.

"What are you two bitches bitching about?"

"Fuck you, you little princess." Natsu hissed and slapped his head.

"NATSU YOU JACKASS YOU FUCKED MY HAIR UP."

Gajeel grinned.

"I hate you two."

"Fuck you Gajeel."

* * *

They were silent and they were sitting outside, completely chill. Until… until it happened.

The music came. Then, within seconds, they were tripping over each other and sprinting up the street.

"MOVE YOU DICK!"

"WATCH WHERE YOU THROW THAT FIST."

"FUCK OFF YOU PANSIES OKAY."

The cart was slowly moving away and Gray's eyes filled with tears and he nearly stumbled, but Natsu grabbed his arm and shot him a withering glare.

"NO MAN LEFT BEHIND YOU DICK SO HURRY YOUR PRINCESS ASS UP."

"You think I'm a princess?"

"UGH." Came Gajeel's disgruntled input.

"WE'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT OH GOD!"

Then, in one very fast flourish, they barely stopped from crashing into the cart and Gajeel glared at them. Actually, they all glared at each other.

"Move the fuck out of my way kiddos." Natsu pushed a bunch of little kids out of the way and quickly got in front of the line. The merchant who owned the cart gave them all angry glances.

"Hi."

"Gray shut up."

"Don't tell me what to do you iron asshole."

"You wanna go?!"

"No I can't risk my hai-!"

"ORDER YOU'RE FUCKING ICE CREAM."

"Yea a chocolate here," Gajeel growled and threw a bunch of jewels at the merchant who looked ready to die from happiness at the amount of money.

"A mint chocolate chip!" Gray squealed.

"That's a pansy flavor."

"But Natsu's getting strawberry."

"Never mind Gray you're pretty fucking manly compared to bubblegum fairy princess over there."

"Fuck off guys I'm trying to count how many strawberry chunks are in this."

Gajeel took his cone of ice cream and stared at the creamy deliciousness with something akin to awe.

"It's beautiful."

Gray nodded in agreement while staring at his own mint chocolate chip loveliness with a happy, grinning face.

"It's almost as beautiful as my hair."

"God Gray you're more conceited than Lucy." (Meanwhile a blonde sneezed)

"Fuck you Natsu at least I don't count dead people's hair follicles."

"Wow, '_me Gray. Me know big words.'" _

"Natsu go fuck a duck, damn," Gajeel growled. "Gray, go suck a cock."

Gray shrugged, as if considering, and Natsu just cried into his ice cream at the horror.

And after a few minutes of silence and licking, Gajeel suddenly spoke up.

"Guys, let's make a pact."

Silence.

"Okay, what the fuck for?" Natsu asked, annoyance etching his features.

"We need to have ice cream at least once a day, and if we don't, then that day just doesn't count."

…

"I'm down." Gray spoke up while slurping up his mint ice cream.

"You look gay, Gray. L-o-l get it, gay Gray." Nobody laughed at Natsu's revelation. "Fine I'm down."

Gajeel looked please and continued to eat his ice cream.

…

"Guys I'm cold."

"Shut the hell up Gray."

* * *

_im sorry im sorry im SORRY. i just love writing this stupid bromance shit._

**Guest: **_what is your name?! and thank you! i hope you liked this one! :P_


	3. Chapter 3

_the bromance continues._

* * *

"This is stupid." Silence followed the comment. '"Like, really stupid."

"Shut up Natsu and stop being a pussy." Gajeel snarled at the pink-haired asshole.

"Seriously why are we even thinking about doing this?"

"Because, it's going to be fun and thrilling and totally _worthwhile. _Plus, Levy suggested it." Natsu smacked his palm to his forehead and shook his head, completely against this plan.

"I'm sure it'd be fun and shit. But dude – do you know how long it'll take to count e_very _drop of water in this ocean?" Gajeel sat down on the rocky ground heavily, saddened by the dragon slayer's words.

"Your stupidity rocks me to the core."

"Guys I got the hair gel and hair spray."

"Gray just get your pansy ass over here."

"Gajeel you don't have to be mean."

"Che."

"Look, _look-," _Natsu was wildly gesturing to the very obvious and already-seen horizon, which was a vibrant rose color in the sunset (he also flipped his hair at this point). "Even the universe loves pink."

Gajeel placed his head in his hands and groaned. "I hate you."

"But you like me, right, Gajeel?" Gray asked while doing a little flourish with his hands. Gajeel glanced up and tch'd.

"You have never looked gayer."

"That's fine. OH GOD GUYS WE HAVE TO DO THIS." Gray suddenly screamed while jumping up and down with excitement near the edge of the cliff. Gajeel sighed heavily.

"That's why we fucking gathered here, asswipe."

"I still think this is stupid."

"Natsu, we've already determined that you can't make decisions worth a shi-,"

"There are 768, 465 leaves on the tree behind us."

"Wow, Natsu, you can count shit without looking at it!? That's cool!" Gray squealed excitedly while Gajeel groaned once more.

"He probably just spouted out some dumb-fuck number."

"Gajeel don't just assume things."

"OKAY WHATEVER LET'S JUST JUMP."

"Really you need to take anger-management classes." Silence.

"I could kill you right now, Natsu, I swear it."

…

"Okay."

Gajeel ran a hand through his unruly mane and then proceeded to stand up.

"'Kay guys – SHOW NO FEAR." Gray and Natsu nodded enthusiastically. "One… two…

_BANANA!" _

Silence.

"Okay I'm fucking sorry go."

Then Gajeel jumped and Natsu dived and then Gray summersaulted forward.

Because, really, what better way to showcase their awesomeness then to fucking _dive off of a cliff?_

Exactly; no other way.

* * *

"YOU ACTUALLY DID IT?" Levy's screech carried all the way to the outskirts of Magnolia.

"Yes." Gray replied, completely clueless to her livid anger at the moment. She kneaded her temples.

"You… actually jumped off a cliff…"

"Yea – you suggested it."

The entire guild went silent and stared at the three half-naked and sopping wet idiots. Levy let out a cry of indignation and tugged at her blue tresses.

"No! No it was meant to be in the rhetorical _go-jump-off-a-cliff-and-leave-me-alone _sense_. _You weren't supposed to _listen!" _She shrieked.

Gajeel just shrugged while Natsu was staring at Bickslow in a weird way ("He has a visor on." "No shit, Captain Obvious." "But why?" "Go fuck yourself.") And Gray was fixing his hair.

"Yea – I think I-," Lucy was cut off by Natsu's hand slapping over her mouth.

"You're supposed to be dead, blondie." And since his face was so close to hers, with burning cheeks, she promptly passed out. Then Natsu grinned and released her face. "Good girl."

"Man – I'm beat!" Gajeel sighed and stretched his arms over his head. Then he slipped on a pair of sunglasses and lit his cigar expertly. Levy broke down in tears and banged her head on the wall.

"_Why're things appearing out of thin air!?"_

"Really, Gray, you're going to break that mirror with your face." Natsu called, and Gray shrank back with a defeated look.

"I know. It's already cracked."

Gajeel was lying on the floor with his limbs spread haphazardly and he was asleep (yes, with a cigarette – "Wasn't it a cigar?" "Piss off Levy." – and sunglasses, don't motherfucking question it).

The guild was seriously fearing for their safety at this point, because Cana hadn't taken of drink of alcohol in more than five minutes and Lucy was blushing whilst passed out and Erza was staring at her cake dejectedly and-and-and-and –

The world was ending.

* * *

"I have super powers you dickheads."

"Making your hand turn into a fucking lamp doesn't count, Gajeel." Natsu muttered matter-of-factly while throwing another green grape at Gray's hair (which was in spikes today) and watching them stick to the hair-gel-filled locks with amusement.

"I CAN DO OTHER THINGS."

"Yea – like be the most annoying person in the world."

"… Terrible comeback dude. I don't even have a response."

"Yea, the author is really tired right now so she's being weird and including herself in the story."

"… Are you high?"

"No I'm just going to go confess my undying love to Lucy brb."

"… Are we speaking in acronyms now?"

"… Guys?"

"… WHY DOES MY DIAGLOGUE HAVE A PAUSE?"

"… I give up."

* * *

_It was all over. Everything. Blood was covering the floor and people were in crowded messes and entrails were dragged all over and she recoiled, trying not to cry. Trying not to breathe. It smelled like blood. Blood, blood, blood… Why was this happening? WHY IS-_

"This is boring as fuck. Why're we at the library again?" Natsu threw the book out of the window, angry at the stupid plotline. Seriously, Angela could've at least kissed her fuck toy before killing him.

"We took a mission, cock sucker." Gajeel growled.

"Correction: Gray took a mission and dragged us along."

"… So blame everything on Gray?"

"Isn't that always our plan?"

"Well yea, I was just double-checking. Don't want to be thinking of two separate plans-oh hey Gray." The ice mage tugged his parka closer and shuddered, walking up to the two dragon slayers.

"This building doesn't have heat. It doesn't have electric blankets or ovens or stoves or even fires – Natsu put your motherfucking hands down – and I'm going to freeze to death." Gajeel threw a book at him, and he dodged skillfully as yet another book flew out of the open window.

"Seriously someone needs to close that window okay." Natsu remarked.

"Then why not you do it since you're being a bitch about it." Gajeel asked, and the pink-haired dragon slayer eyed him lazily while throwing something else at Gray.

"Nah."

Gajeel slammed his head between two books as Gray started to choke Natsu with his scarf again, and before they knew it, books were on fire, a blaze was trying to be put out and Levy was sobbing on the street, mourning the loss of many stories. Gajeel walked over to apologize (lolno), when Natsu beat him to it.

Or at least, Gajeel thought Natsu was going to apologize.

"Levy, I am truly, deeply not sorry for this. The books were old and smelly and tasted like cardboard – I did us all a favor." He bowed low, his bubblegum hair brushing the pavement as she stared in shock. "I hope you can forgive me." Then his eyes focused on her hair.

"You have 469, 457 hairs on your head." His eyes refocused on her brown eyes as they blinked. "Sorry, not sorry."

Then he sprinted off and stripped his clothing, all while giggling maliciously and Gray tried to strangle him with hit scarf once more. Gajeel went over to apologize (not really), when the most important thing in the word suddenly came back to his memory full-force. He gave Levy a glance that said sorry-not-sorry before bounding off after those two fuck heads with the words he had to say spilling out of his mouth in a scream.

"ICE CREAM YOU FOOLS."

They shared a look of understanding before silently sprinting to the nearest ice cream parlor.

* * *

_hehehe... i don't know why i started this series. forgive me. i guess i felt the need for a humorous outlet whilst my dramatic Lover's Remorse takes place. idk._

**AsDarknessSpreads:** _yep you're right but i dont feel like changing it cause this story (and my notes) are meant to not make much sense. XD and yes, gray is indeed hot and sexy. and flamboyant. _


	4. Chapter 4

_the saga continues._

* * *

"Hear ye, hear ye," Gray slapped the table in the guild with more force than necessary, and ice spread across the top, effectively freezing Juvia to her seat. He jerked his hand away. "Shit that's cold."

"Gray you're retarded."

"I heard that Gajeel, and you're a meanie."

"… No."

"OKAY HURRY UP GRAY DAMN." Natsu screeched, tugging at his hair. Lucy patted his back, but he jerked away. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD." Gajeel lit a cigarette and puffed on it while Levy stared at it with hate-filled eyes.

"No smoking in court." Gray commanded, pointing a random mallet at Gajeel, who just huffed moodily.

"We're at the guild, ya cock sucker, so hurry it up, goddamn." He growled, and Gray just sighed.

"Fine, we need to form a petition." A bunch of eyebrows were raised.

Natsu ripped off his shirt and threw it behind him. "What for? And it's hotter than fuck in here, damn."

"Obviously to get Erza laid." The various men in the audience thought this over while Lucy choked on her saliva and Levy blushed to her roots violently.

"Why not just go find Jellal?" Mira randomly piped up ("How the fuck are you calm about this?" "What could you ever mean, Lucy?" "Lucy shut your fat pie-hole – you're _DEAD._"), earning curious (and exasperated) looks in her direction. Gray slammed the mallet on the ice-covered table and grinned, pointing at her with his other hand.

"YOU'RE AMAZING, MIRA. Now, we gotta plan this carefully." He began writing intently on the chalkboard ("Oh my god where is this shit appearing from." "Levy seriously just shut up."). His cotton-clad body was hiding it from the rest of the gathered guild mates, until Natsu couldn't stand it anymore.

"Gray just fucking show us." The ice mage frowned at Natsu.

"Show you what?"

"Your plan, dumbass!" Gray scratched his head, and then quickly fixed the hair he screwed up.

"What?" He moved out of the way to get a better view of the mirror, so his 'plan' was visible to all. Natsu lit on fire, Gajeel bit his cigar ("It was a cigarette." "You really need to stop staring at him, fuck."), Lucy turned a record-breaking shade of red and Levy just passed out, unable to handle this.

A loud sigh was heard. "Gray, why did you draw an ice cream cone licking a dick?" Gajeel deadpanned, glaring at the prissy bitch.

"Huh?" He turned around, confused. "I was just doodling."

And that was the day Gray figured out what a concussion felt like.

* * *

"Okay guys, we just need to be silent, because this place is riddled with monsters," Levy told them, flicking through her notes. "I know where he is in the forest, and you just have to – they're gone, aren't they, Lu-chan?" She glanced back to see Lucy gagged and bound to a tree, but had a vibrant blush on her face, and the three morons were nowhere in sight.

Levy let out a sigh and threw her notes into a nearby puddle.

Meanwhile…

"GAJEEL SLOW DOWN!"

"EAT AND RUN NATSU, EAT AND RUN." Gajeel mumbled around a mouthful of chocolate ice cream.

"I CAN'T MULTITASK LIKE YOU CAN."

"THEN FUCKING LEARN."

"Guys – we passed th-,"

"SHUT UP GRAY WE'RE TRYING TO LOOK FOR JELLAL."

Gray pointed to the cluster of hooded figures watching them curiously. Crime Sorcière.

"But they're right-,"

"Oh my god Gray you're fucking loud as dicks!" Natsu growled, throwing a fistful of leaves at him. Gray's eyes widened comically and he pulled a pocket mirror out of his hoodie.

"You're gonna fuck my hair up!" He whined while combing his hair for any leaves. His ice cream cone dropped to the ground, and tears filled his eyes while staring at it the frozen pink deliciousness in horror. "NOW MY DAY WON'T COUNT, NATSU!"

Natsu sighed. "You shouldn't have dropped your shit then – OHMYGOD I found Jellal!" He screeched, barreling towards the blue-haired man and unconsciously stripping his vest off (and shoving the last of his strawberry ice cream down his throat). Gajeel grinned and then picked up a grieving Gray, slinging him over his shoulder.

"Good fucking job man, for once you're less useless." Natsu opened his mouth to give an _obviously _scathing retort, when Jellal interrupted them.

"Why're you guys here?" He asked, eyeing them curiously. Gray batted at Gajeel's shoulder until he released him.

"You're in the forest right by Magnolia. It's not like you're some motherfucking secret ninj-," Gray clamped a hand over Gajeel's mouth.

"DON'T SAY THE 'N' WORD AROUND NATSU." Natsu glanced over at them angrily.

"Will you bitches stop being bitches? Just for a second?"

"That didn't even make sense Natsu."

"Seriously, Gray, go fuck yourself-,"

"Ahem, okay, well, what do you guys need then?" The tattooed man asked, clearly wanting to get away from these weird versions of Natsu, Gajeel and Gray. The iron dragon slayer had smacked Gray into a tree, and he was checking his hair to make sure it was okay ("You always look like shit, Gray, so don't bother." "G-Gajeel...").

"Obviously we need you for something extremely important."

"Extraordinarily important. ("Wow, Natsu, I didn't know you knew words over three syllables." "Seriously, Gajeel, you're a fucking dick-licker.")"

…

"Okay, what is it?"

Natsu sent Jellal a very happy-go-lucky-grin (Jellal fidgeted under his creepy stare). "Help Erza get laid."

…

…

Jellal promptly passed out from blood loss.

* * *

Natsu was staring at the ceiling curiously, as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, when _she _walked up behind him.

"Natsu." The voice was deep and threatening, but obviously feminine. He turned around to see the not-so-joyful face of Erza.

"Hey Erza," He responded, bored.

"What did you say to Jellal?"

"Nothing of course. It was Gray's fault, really."

…

"What did Gray say?"

"He said that Jellal should help you get laid." Her cheeks turned into a color darker than her hair. "You okay; you look sick?" And Erza fainted from complete and utter embarrassment - and maybe a bit of blood loss too. ("Hey she looked like Jellal." "Gray you really are stupid." "How?" "Because – because you just are! Ugh!"). Natsu stared down at her unmoving form, then sighed, running a hand through his hair. Yet another dead person.

"Gajeel; get the shovel!" He yelled in a chipper tone.

* * *

"Gray-sama!" Juvia squealed, throwing herself into his outstretched arms.

"My lovely little sinful blue-haired mongrel, how I love you so." He cooed ("Can I get a 'woot-woot' for selective hearing?" "No." "Aw."), brushing the tip of his nose against hers. She fainted in his arms, and he sighed, dropping her to the ground with a dull _thud_. "Boring."

"HELLO FAIRY TAIL!" Somebody yelled loudly from the door, and Gajeel glanced up with a piece of iron sticking out of his mouth.

"Che, it's the gay kids."

"We are the Trimen!" They did some weird pose.

"Hibiki, you look like a damn duck." His sparkles fell to the ground and shattered.

"Natsu! How could say those things to me?!"

"Because I fucking hate all of you; especially you," He growled, pointing to the tan Ren, who just recoiled, shocked.

"B-but…" Eve opened his mouth to speak, when suddenly Gray was there and hugging him.

"You're so cute!" He squealed, grabbing the kid and running to the back of the guild, twirling him the entire time. Honestly, Eve looked like he was having fun. Meanwhile, Hibiki and Ren were standing there, traumatized. Then, they were doing a weird pose and they were beaming ("Now he looks like a gay giraffe." "Tch, he looks more like a baby moose.").

"You guys have serious mood swings." Gajeel's comment went unnoticed (or most likely ignored).

"WE TAUGHT HIM SO WELL!"

Then Natsu's jaw dropped dramatically, because he remembered something.

"One, and less importantly, the three of us left Lucy tied up in the forest." Gajeel shrugged and shoved more iron in his mouth, while two of the Trimen gawked openly (the third being occupied with Gray, who was complaining about how untamed and fluffy his hair was). "Second, YESTERDAY DIDN'T COUNT FOR GRAY!" The iron fell out of Gajeel's open mouth in shock.

"NO!" He roared. Then he stormed over to Gray, picked him up ("Seriously? Again?" "Gray just shut up."), and promptly stormed to find the nearest place that sold ice cream.

Meanwhile, the horrified Trimen vowed to never go back to Fairy Tail, no matter how many bets were lost.

* * *

"Ugh… it was all a bad dream?" Lucy opened her eyes and was surrounded by a few wolves with red eyes. Then she went to reach for her keys, only to find that she couldn't move her hands. Her hands were bound at an awkward angle against the trunk of a tree. There was a pink wash cloth (that the fuckers had used as a goddamn gag) sitting on her thighs. Anger roiled within her.

"NATSU! GRAY! GAJEEL! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!

* * *

_okay, so somebody start a petition for getting Erza laid. okay. and, with that being said, this chapter was the epitome of... weird. guest stars: the Trimen! wooooo.  
btw, i need somebody to loan me a broom so i can sweep up the remainder of Hibiki's shattered sparkles.  
kthx_

**AsDarknessSpreads:** _well lucky for you, lyon will be appearing next chapter. and yes, gay_ ("I'm not gay, god, I'm just naturally fabulous and beautiful." "_Seriously Gray fuck off, goddamn_.")_ gray is more fabulous than sparkles and rainbows and shit like that._


	5. Chapter 5

_okay i don't know what happened here oh my god.  
but anyways, the saga continues.  
bitches._

* * *

"The fuck are doing Natsu."

"Counting the sparkles on that goddamn dress, Gajeel."

"You look like a fucking weirdo staring at a pink lump like that."

"Like what."

"Like you want to molest it."

Natsu raised his eyebrows, as if considering the offer and Gajeel backed away, suddenly terrified of this asshole.

"Don't want to know, Natsu, don't even want to know." Natsu nodded and his pink-as-bitches hair fluttered in the wind. Growling, Gajeel stormed back into the guild and then randomly kneed Gray in his stomach.

"What the fuck Gajeel you're going to ruin my damn hair you asshole, back off okay."

"Your hair is stiffer than a dick, Gray, you look like a fucking statue." Suddenly, Gray's eyes were glittering.

"A pretty statue?"

"No."

Gajeel left Gray to deflate and suddenly waltzed up to Levy before pulling her down into a dip, like they were dancing. She was blushing heavily and the book she used to be holding dropped to the ground heavily.

"G-Gajeel." She stuttered and he smirked.

"Levy."

"Why don't you call me shrimp anymore?"

"Slipped my mind, cutie."

"I like shrimp better."

"Yea well I like fucking lobster, so get over it." The he lifted her to her feet once more, straightened her hair and handed her that damned book before walking back out to find Natsu.

"Oi, Natsu!" He was still staring at that fucking dress.

"The fuck you want."

"Go suck a dick." Natsu waved his hand nonchalantly.

"Maybe later."

* * *

"Guys we have to go get our ice cream soon."

"Whatever you icy prick."

"Jeez Gajeel, no need to be mean about it damn okay."

"Tch."

Natsu suddenly burst through the guild doors, carrying a carton of milk and some cookies.

"GUYS! IT'S OKAY!" He screamed, throwing the shit on the bar top. Gajeel raised a single, metal-studded eyebrow.

"What the actual fuck."

"My thoughts exactly."

Natsu grinned manically. "What?!" Gray and Gajeel glanced at each other before shrugging.

"Bring them here!" Gray yelled, and together, they all munched on motherfucking cookies and milk until the end of the world.

The motherfucking end.

* * *

"It's okay, Levy, just tell me what's stressing you?" The sobbing script mage just shook her head and covered her face with her hands.

"T-things just k-k-keep appearing!" She squeaked out around her cries. The therapist frowned and tapped her clipboard.

She poised her pen. "What things?" Levy started gesturing hysterically.

"Just… things! When they're around!" The therapist's frown deepened.

"Who?"

"Gajeel! And Gray and Natsu!" She cried harder, burying her face into a pillow that she grabbed off of the couch. The woman in front of her scratched her head.

"O-okay, well Ms. McGarden, our time is up." She said, standing up and setting down her papers, ignoring the now-confused Levy.

"But we still have, l-like twenty minutes left…?" Her voice ended in a question while the woman thoroughly denied it.

"No, we have no more time, I'm sorry, Levy. I'll see you next time," As the therapist all but pushed her out of the door in her haste, even letting Levy take the pillow. Then she sank to the ground.

"I hate crazy people."

* * *

"You just… _ate it?" _Erza asked incredulously.

"Well yeah."

"But why?"

"Because, it tasted good okay."

"You don't _do _that to things, Natsu!"

"Why not? It was big and tasted surprisingly sweet."

"Because it was _mine!" _

"But it wouldn't have fit in you."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because I'm not flattered."

Gajeel and Gray pressed their ears to the door, totally not believing this conversation.

"Well, whatever. All I know was that it was big and juicy and awesome!"

Gajeel shuddered.

_Big and juicy, eh, Natsu?_

Gray grinned.

"I _know! _That's why I saved it for myself!"

They started bickering once more, but Gray dragged Gajeel out of the building to tell the rest of the guild what they had heard.

Meanwhile…

An empty cake platter sat in the center of Erza's dorm room with a bruised Natsu near it. He glared at the scarlet-haired knight who had a furious look on her face.

"I didn't know you could do something so stupid! I thought you were at least a _little _bit smart!"

He waved a nonchalant hand. "Whatever. I can go buy you another damn cake."

* * *

Lucy stumbled into the guild with red wrists and cuts all over her pale body. She was glaring.

"NATSU! GRAY! GAJEEL!" Gajeel and Natsu ignored her, while Gray glanced up curiously before waving at her.

"Hey, Lucy!" He called.

"DO NOT BE SO CASUAL." She fumed, storming over to them and slapping the table to get their attention. Natsu just sighed dramatically.

"The fuck you want Luce?"

"You know what I want, Natsu? I want for you all to stop being di-," Then something warm was on her lips and her eyes widened. Natsu pulled back and sat back in his seat with a bored expression.

"Now shut up."

Lucy walked away, trying to understand what the fuck just happened to her.

* * *

Lyon stared at the guild uncomprehendingly. Then someone clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"It's the fucking asshole guys! Welcome him with open motherfucking arms!" Gajeel yelled while shoving the ice mage into the guild.

"Lyon-sama!" Juvia called, walking up to greet him. The white-haired man smiled, happy to see someone not crazy. Then someone grabbed her from behind, spun her around and then started running the back of the guild with something that looked like… sequins?

"SHE'S MINE, LYON! YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!"

_Gray?_

"So, ice bastard, why the fuck are you here?" Natsu asked while tugging off his shirt and throwing it at Lucy, who just blushed violently, but didn't push it away.

Lyon gulped. "Uh… just came to visit. Though I feel like I shouldn't have." He muttered the last part. Gajeel laughed boisterously.

"What the fuck ever you dick – just go to the bar and buy us all drinks or something."

"Shouldn't you buy me a drink? I am a guest, after all."

Gajeel's eyes flashed. "Yes, but this is _my _guild and I am _accommodating _you."

Lyon was about to comply, that is, until a fist smacked into Gajeel's face.

"What the fuck, flame brain. Not cool." He growled, jabbing at Natsu with a sword.

"You're a cocksucker."

"Well you're a pussy."

"WELL you're a bitch!"

"Yeah well you're PANSY BITCH."

Lyon slowly left the guild, trying not to break down in tears.

* * *

"… and it was just terrifying!" Lyon concluding, holding back tears. Meanwhile, the therapist just stared.

_Yet another crazy person._

* * *

_uhh... it seems that levy and lyon are both emotionally scarred (I would be too...)_

**AsDarknessSpreads: **_i'll revisit the erza (meanwhile, Jellal faints yet again from blood loss) thing later, and this takes place after ultear left jellal and meredy. _

**dragonsdeed: **_i shall revisit ms. scarlet later. :D_

**Ilovepeace:** _your wish has been granted, my_ _dear_.

**FrostDragonSlayer: **_i am happy that your oc is indeed gawking in horror. i think. _


	6. Chapter 6

_shit goes down and the bromance never falters. _

* * *

"Gajeel, where's my hair gel?" Gray did not sound amused. The iron dragon slayer huffed.

"Fuck off princess, I'm busy." He puffed on his cigarette while the ice mage crossed his arm over his wool-clad chest and glared.

"You're just smoking a cancer stick asshole so tell me where you put my hair products!" He screeched with shining eyes ("Bitch is about to cry." "Show some sympathy." "HA. Fuck you."). Gajeel rolled his red orbs.

"These are not cancer sticks and how would I know where you're fucking bitch-ass hair shit is you little pansy-," Natsu suddenly dropped onto the table with a thud, and Gajeel just sighed while Levy gasped and tried to pry her book out from underneath him.

The pink-haired moron groaned. "The fuck just happened?" He rolled off of the table heavily and landed on a bench while Levy just stared in horror at her singed-around-the-edges book.

"NATSU WHAT DID-,"

He clutched his salmon hair. "IT'S TOO EARLY FOR SCREAMING." Gajeel scoffed and bit on his cigar while Levy tried not to cry (unsuccessfully) and Gray just glared suspiciously.

"Natsu it's motherfucking noon."

"Fuck off Gajeel I can handle-," Gray suddenly ducked into Natsu's personal space and sniffed him. The fire mage stared in disgust. "The hell are you doing you prick?!"

"You smell like fucking hair product you bitch! Where'd you fucking put it?!"

Natsu grinned devilishly. "Nowhere."

Gajeel tried to block out the sounds of torture and sobbing so maybe he could get some fucking sleep. He tipped his fedora to cover his closed eyes ("WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!" "Levy go away – no one wants you here.").

Goddamn.

* * *

Erza stared down at the magazine in front of her, blushing furiously. A finger suddenly slapped down on one page, gesturing to a women in a rather… _vivid_ pose.

"That's what you gotta do if you wanna impress Jellal." Gajeel said around his cigarette while Erza's face got impossibly redder at the name.

Natsu frowned at the image. "No, that's too slutty. Put on lingerie first. Shit's a turn on." He informed her.

"No, no, no – do you know how _hard _it is to take off that stringy shit? ("He's got a point." "A valid point." "I'M NOT AGREEING WITH YOU THOUGH." "… Che, fuck off, Natsu.")" Gray said, and the other two men nodded while Erza sank farther into her seat.

"That's true, but can't you just burn it off?"

"Natsu that shit costs money."

"Oh? And how would you know that?" Natsu asked with a roguish grin. Gajeel glared, but a faint blush was on his cheeks ("You and Levy, rockin' the bed?" "You little prick…")

"Fuck off you little bitch."

"G-g-g-g-guys-s…" She suddenly pointed (with a shaky hand, mind you) at a women who was bent at an odd angle with her ass high up in the air. "T-t-t-that's imposs-s-s-ible…" Natsu suddenly slapped her on the back, booming with laughter.

"Silly Erza," Gajeel admonished whilst lighting his cigar. "Nothing is impossible."

He winked at her.

Erza passed out (presumably from the images swirling in her brain which weren't PG at all – "Her face is brighter than her hair." "Fuck off Natsu.") and Gray just sighed.

"I'm gonna have to fucking carry her now."

The dragon slayers gave him "well duh" looks. He glared at them.

"Do you know how _heavy _her fucking armor is?" Natsu raised an eyebrow.

"Then strip her."

…

"Fine."

Gajeel burst out in laughter as Gray struggled to remove a shoulder plate. "I'm so fucking telling her about this." She twitched in her sleep.

The fire mage smirked.

* * *

"JUVIA!"

"GRAY-SAMA!"

Time slowed down as the two ran towards each other and Natsu sighed while running a hand through his hair.

"Are you two going to run at full speed or what? Damn." Gray stopped and glared at Natsu while Juvia just barreled into the ice mage at full force. He pushed her away.

"You're so mean, Natsu." He pouted at the fiery mage who just glared as he tugged off his pants.

"Fuck you – can someone get me a Jacuzzi filled with motherfucking ice or something? Like it's unbearably hot." He then demonstrated his discomfort and pulled off his boxers (and somewhere Lucy swiped at her bleeding nose furiously and tried not to pass out).

"I can have someone go buy some ice if you'd-,"

"DON'T DO IT MIRA! HE'S TRYING TO CONSPIRE AGAINST ME!" The barmaid looked a little flabbergasted.

"Gray…?"

"DON'T DO IT!" He repeated in a screech, flinging himself at the bar and grabbing her by the shoulders. She looked incredibly shocked.

"MEN DON'T GRAB WOMEN!" Elfman roared. Natsu punched him. Then Gajeel sauntered in with a passed-out Lucy slung over his shoulder. He threw her on a table.

"Found her passed out by the guild." He lit a cigarette and Levy threw herself against a wall, sobbing (partly because of the burnt books and partly because _where was this shit coming from oh my god). _

Gray glance over at him and released Mira, his panicked state forgotten. "Is she alive?" Gajeel sent the blonde girl a look that said "I _dare _you to move, bitch" and puffed on the cigar.

"Probably not." They both shrugged and Gray continued to panic about conspiracy theories and missing hair gel while Gajeel just sent Laxus flying with a punch and the guild was drawn into a usual brawl, minus Gray (and Erza and Lucy and Levy). It was looking normal.

Maybe this wasn't all "wrong".

* * *

"YEA! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR MESSING WITH ME!"

Gray and Gajeel stared at Natsu, who was still screaming, blankly.

"YOU LITTLE PRISSY BITCH – THINKIN' YOU CAN TAKE ON _ME. _HA. FUCKER!"

Gray slowly began to lick his ice cream while Gajeel still stared with growing discomfort (and a bit of anger).

"YOU BETTER THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU MESS WITH GREAT NATSU! THE GREAT AND INFAMOUS _SALAMANDER! _YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

Gajeel lowered his chocolate ice cream cone and just fucking stared at the moron screaming in public – seriously, people were fucking staring like Zeref had come to fucking have tea with them.

"I AM AMAZING AND AWESOME AND YOU'RE NOTHING BUT USELESS, NASTY FUCKING BULLSHIT JUST WAITING TO BE SCRAPED OFF OF THE BOTTOM OF MY FUCKING EXPENSIVE AND DESIGNER BRAND SANDALS, MOTHER_FUCKER_!"

Really his sandals were just beat-up hellholes falling apart, but he didn't seem to know this. Gajeel sighed heavily. Gray munched on his mint chocolate chip ice cream silently, staring at the pink-haired dumbass with wide eyes.

"YEA BITCH. FUCKING WALK AWAY. WALK YOUR PISSY BITCH-ASS AWAY."

Gajeel growled and slapped Natsu's head.

"Ow! What was that for, Gajeel?"

"_STOP_ _SCREAMING_!"

"But he started it!"

Gajeel pinched the bridge of his nose.

"'He' won't talk back, Natsu." The fire mage pouted.

"Why not?" A vein in the iron dragon slayer's forehead pulsated.

"Because it's fucking ice cream."

* * *

…

"Are you stupid?'

"Maybe."

"No, really, Gajeel, this is pure stupidity."

"I know, flame-ass."

"Is this even safe?"

"Probably not."

"Is it even _legal?"_

"Who gives a fuck about that?"

Natsu inclined his head. "I'll give you that. But really, this is fucking retarded."

"Sure is."

"You're going to get yourself killed." Gajeel grinned.

"Nah." Then the iron mage faced Natsu with a serious expression. "If I die, tell my wife I love her."

"But Gajeel you're si-,"

"Tell my kids I love them."

"But you have no ki-,"

"Shut up Natsu, no time for long goodbyes, I have to go now."

"Wait but you're just-," Gajeel suddenly sprinted away, waving over his shoulder.

"I'LL COME BACK FOR AN ICE CREAM ONE DAY, BUDDY-OLD-PAL!"

Then he bravely ran into the magic-theater to watch a lacrima chick flick with Levy. Natsu raised a fist as he entered the doors.

"One hell of a bro."

* * *

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN, NATSU."

"NO WAY IN HELL, LITTLE PRINCESS."

"FUCK YOU, DRAGQUEEN."

"CHE. AS IF."

"Guys!" Lucy shrieked, stumbling out of her bathroom with a towel barely concealing her naked form. "What're you doing in my _house?!" _Natsu glared.

"Isn't it obvious? We're sleeping here." He pointed to an already-dead-to-the-world lump on the couch. Gajeel was sleeping with a cigarette propped between his lips.

"YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING IN MY HOUSE."

"Goddamn, Lucy, fucking shut your hole." The suddenly-awake Gajeel growled, shifting on her couch with a moody face.

"Seriously Luce, you are pretty fuckin' screechy." Gray said imploringly, wagging his finger at her. She glanced at the three incredulously.

"THIS IS MY HOUSE."

"Yea – so? Oh, you got any alcohol?" She glared. Natsu tried again. "Food?" More glaring. "Water?"

"HAIR PRODUCTS?!" Lucy turned her fiery glare to Gray who was unaffected. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Oh Lucy I'm taking the bed, don't mind me." Natsu crawled under her covers. She gaped.

"Yea I call the dining room table!" Gray called from her bathroom. Lucy ran a hand through her still-damp-but-now-cold hair. That leaves her only one option: the floor. And she was still in a towel.

_I give up._

* * *

"… and today there was a FEDORA!" Levy sobbed uncontrollably into her palms. Her new therapist stared at her. "FEDORAS DON'T APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR." She screeched at him. The balding man laughed nervously and ran a hand through his non-existent hair with a shaky hand.

"Uh… Okay, Levy… I think…" He glanced at the clock on his desk. "OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. TIME'S UP. OKAY GOODBYE MISS." He ushered a confused and very distraught script mage out of the door, and then he stumbled to his desk and started the paperwork for his early retirement.

* * *

Scratch that, this is definitely all wrong and completely fucked up.

* * *

_poor levy. and erza. and lucy. fuck, even poor ice cream. anyways, on a seperate topic, can anyone tell me what lisanna calls her sister and brother? is it mira-nee-chan? like the fuck i cant remember. anyways, thanks for reading and shit._

**AsDarknessSpreads:** _lol, yes, indeed. poor lyon and levy. sad souls. and about gray ("_God thank you Darkness-san, I know I'm fucking sexier than everything in the world combined." *flips hair dramatically and does a twirl*) _he's just a cocky prick, but it's totally impossible not to love him, eh?_


	7. Chapter 7

_the bros continue to do... weird things. slight AU in this one and idk why. my apologies. not really._

* * *

"Gajeel… what are you doing?"

"I am making a scrapbook."

Lucy stared hard at the binder sitting on the table top between them. "Okay… why?"

"Because it's therapeutic," He informed her while gluing a picture of Lucy in a bunny suit to the thick paper and titling it "Dumbass Lucy Being A Bunny."

"Why do you need therapy?"

He scoffed. "I'm not in fucking therapy."

"But you said it's therapeutic."

"It is."

"So… why do you need-,"

"I DON'T NEED THERAPY, LUCY, GODDAMN."

"But… you said-,"

"It's relaxing. Is that good enough fucking word choice for you?" Suddenly, the marker he was using bled through the page and onto the page beneath it, and he growled. "YOU ASSHOLE –LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. YOU MADE ME RUIN MY FUCKING AMAZING PROJECT." He flipped the table over Lucy, who just stared in shock as it landed on top of Gray behind her.

"FUCK!" He screamed.

Slowly, the celestial mage laid down sideways on the bench and curled on her side.

What the fuck.

* * *

"YOU SUCK."

"I… I'm sorry, sir?"

Natsu's face was turning red from the unbridled rage bubbling through him, "I SAID THAT YOU SUCK. THIS SUCKS." Gray was mildly concerned over Natsu's behavior, but shrugged and swiped a lollipop from a kid behind him. Gajeel just sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Why does this suck… sir?" the waitress was highly confused and struggling to remain polite.

Natsu got weirdly calm and Gajeel started noticing the fact that the woman had yet to bring them beer, "This sucks because what kind of half-assed establishment doesn't serve fire? Like, this is absolutely _mortifying_ and you are going to get the _worst_ reviews of all time on _Yelp_."

"S-sir…"

"No," the fire dragon slayer crossed his arms and jutted out his bottom lip, "just no. You don't understand my pain, Miley."

"Sir, my name is Mel-,"

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, MILEY."

"This is going to hell," Gajeel commented.

"Don't you mean being wrecked?"

The iron dragon slayer stared hard at Gray, "Pitiful."

"-and this place is going to go to _shit _because the _amazing _Salamander has straight-up _DISLIKED _your Facebook page and-,"

"Fucking shut up you stupid prick," Gajeel turned to Melissa, their waitress, who was looking more than frazzled, "Sorry, not sorry, whatever I can't control him. Anyways, one strawberry ice cream, one chocolate and one mint chocolate chip. Oh and like ten orders of fries-,"

"-and Dr. Pepper-!"

"-and ignore this asshole back here. So yea that's it. Thanks Melody."

"I-it's… it's Meli-,"

"THANKS MELLY!" Gray screeched happily while crunching into his lollipop.

Sighing, Gajeel lit a cigar and used Gray's water as an ash tray.

And the waitress walked away, scarred and unable to forget the previous events.

* * *

"For fuck's sake."

"Ugh."

"Guys, we need to buy this shit."

Gajeel and Natsu stared at Gray with droll expressions. Meanwhile, the ice mage was gesturing wildly to a suspicious guy wearing a hoodie and he looked really twitchy.

"Natsu, we always get into fucked up situations with this asshole." Gajeel commented while giving Natsu a red-eyed glare. The pink-headed guy shrugged.

"It makes life interesting." Gajeel nodded in half-hearted agreement. They turned to the hoodie guy expectantly, who looked from side-to-side ("We're in an alley, fucktard." "Don't be rude, Gajeel.") before slowly scooting forward and getting real close to the three of them. Gajeel cocked an eyebrow.

"Look, bro's," He unzipped his hoodie and pulled out three cards, handing them each one. It was literally some doctor's professional card with his number scribbled on the back in red marker. "I can get you any drug out there – I can get you sex tapes, coke, magic mushrooms-," this piqued Natsu's interest, "- guys, I can fuckin' get anything. See that place over there?"

He pointed behind them and they all turned to see a place called 'Adult Pleasures', "You didn't hear this from me, but I can get you bitches from that place all day. Latinos, white girls, big boobs, small boobs, even guys if you want-," Gray raised an eyebrow, "and I can get you killer discounts. Seriously. Just tell them Drake sent you, and man, you'll have the time of your life." They looked back at Drake. Gajeel looked bored, Natsu looked surprisingly interested and Gray just looked excited.

"This is fucking awesome guys oh my god!"

Gajeel grabbed the ice mage by his collar and started dragging him away. "No." Natsu waved to the hoodie guy.

"Maybe next time bro!"

"DISCOUNTS, GAJEEL. _DISCOUNTS_."

"I said no."

"But-,"

"NO."

"GUYS WE HAVE TO GO GET ICE CREAM!" Natsu shouted, and Gajeel sighed heavily before nodding. Gray started squealing and wiggled out of Gajeel's grasp.

"This is the perfect replacement!"

…

Gajeel shook his head.

_I'll never understand this shit._

* * *

"Natsu! Don't touch me there!"

"But why?"

"Don't do tha- _kya_!"

"Why're you squealing?"

"DON'T DO THAT!"

"WHY NOT?!"

"BECAUSE!"

"Because…?"

"YES. BECAUSE."

"You're not making any sense."

Gajeel listened to the scene going on within the broom closet with faint interest. Seriously, Natsu's getting all the bitches lately. First Erza, now the fucking supposed-to-be-dead-Lucy. Ugh. Growling, the iron dragon slayer stomped out of the guild with a furious look. Levy stared with confusion.

Meanwhile, within the closet…

"NATSU! RELEASE ME RIGHT NOW!" Lucy whisper-screamed while trying to wiggle out of his grasp – after all, he was holding her to the wall with his body – must be uncomfortable (_**a/n**__: lol… yea…)._ He gave her an annoyed look.

"No. You keep complaining about how your clothes tickle you, so I'm just helping." And while he said this, he tugged off her shirt with much difficulty, seeing as she was squirming and shit. Showing absolutely no interest, he gestured to her bra.

"Does that tickle you too?" She blushed darkly and smacked him with her own shirt.

"YOU ASSHOLE. YOU DON'T JUST STRIP SOMEONE IN A CLOSET!" she pulled her shirt over her head and he stepped back, "_Especially_ without their _CONSENT_."

"Whatever, Lucy, I was just helping."

Tense silence enveloped them for a moment with only their breathing breaking the quiet. After a few moments, Natsu spoke up.

"Wanna make out?"

Lucy stared hard at him and then blinked. "Yes."

* * *

"... Guys I still don't have my hair gel or anything."

"Please, Gray," Gajeel muttered as he crushed his cigarette, "just shut your _fucking mouth for once."_

Meanwhile, Natsu made out with Lucy in a closet, somewhere.

* * *

_uh... im sorry for the late update. shits been kinda cray lately and yea. school. hospitals. woo. whatever. hope you guys liked this kindasorta shitty chappy. my bad. and im not gonna lie... that drug dealer one? that was totally inspired from a Rooster Teeth Animated Adventures- Michael Meets a Drug Dealer. lol so funny. go watch it if you give a fuck and are **against ice cream abuse.**_

**FrostDragonSlayer: **_indeed.__  
_

**AsDarknessSpreads:** _i just love your reviews so much. lol._

**FTknowitall:** _why thank you._

**Children of Light:** _thank you very, very much. and yes, these three idiots have sunk below rock bottom._

_please, everyone, this is important. **stop ice cream abuse. **thank you._


	8. Chapter 8

_the bromance continues. maybe. idk?_

* * *

"Oh my god," Gray's hushed voice was coming from underneath the table that the two slayers were seated at, "he's here. I can sense him."

"What are you, a radio?"

Gajeel stared hard at Natsu, "You mean radar." Natsu looked highly offended.

"I mean what I say, Gajeel."

"I'm back." The bored, monotone voice rang through the room loudly, startling most of the guild members. Gajeel just pulled the bolts out of Levy's chair and started munching on them.

"God he's here oh god oh god oh god-,"

"What the fuck," Natsu mumbled around a mouthful of something that looked vaguely like an apple, "are you yapping about?"

"HE'S HERE." Gray reiterated for the thousandth time.

"Whatever." Gajeel and Natsu shared a nod, silently deciding that Gray wasn't worth their time anymore.

Then Laxus randomly decided to stroll past their table when he suddenly stopped and stared at them all. Gajeel glared up at the blonde.

"Like what you see?"

"You all smell weird."

Natsu once again looked offended and went to respond, but Gray beat him to it; "I DO NOT SMELL WEIRD TAKE THAT BACK YOU BIG ASSHOLE I SWEAR TO GOD-," And the table started shaking and they heard various muttered curses before a sword of ice erupted through the center, cutting it in half. Gray jumped up, clad in wool and scarves (that he swore were 'totally fall colors') and pointed an accusing finger at Laxus, who looked decidedly stunned with two raised eyebrows.

"TAKE IT BACK BECAUSE I SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRIES AND KIWIS YOU MOTHERFUCKER-, "(and somewhere Lily disagreed while eating a bowl of said fruit) "-BECAUSE LUCY'S SHAMPOO AND BODY SOAP SAID SO AND YOU ARE SUCH A JERK FOR EVEN – ugh I can't even _look _at you right now, Laxus Dreyar." And he promptly spun around in place, crossed his arms, closed his eyes and set his lips into a full-blown pout.

Gajeel scoffed, "What a pussy."

"Agreed," Natsu glared at the ice mage.

Laxus inclined his head.

"So you all still smell pretty fuckin' weird."

"GO TO HELL."

And after a few, oddly silent moments, Lucy spoke up.

"YOU USED MY _WHAT?"_

* * *

"Okay, thish ish aweshome," Natsu said while his eyes literally went in circles, "that fuckin' uh… uh what wash it, Gajeel-kun?" Gajeel promptly spit out the beer he had been drinking and sent a horrified, half-attempt at a glare to the fire mage, "was it… fire… bourbon – no it was whishkey!" Natsu giggled a very manly ("Totally a ho.") giggle and sipped more of the orangey-amber liquid.

"What the fuck did you give him?"

Gajeel glanced at the ice mage while wiping at the table with a napkin, "Fire 'whishkey'."

"Why."

"Because he wouldn't stop fucking touching my scrap – DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THAT!" he suddenly started screeching like a banshee because Natsu's grubby little hands fell on his 'perfect' scrapbook depicting 'highlights' of Gajeel's life.

In the next second, it was ashes.

Gajeel, still half-lunged at Natsu's neck, froze in spot with his red eyes zeroed on the impossibly drunk and weaving-in-his-seat Natsu.

"Uh… blame it on the alcohol?"

After a few moments of a frozen-in-time iron dragon slayer and giggling fire mage, Gray spoke up in a horribly chipper voice:

"So is this going in the scrapbook?"

Gajeel collapsed to the table, certifiably dead.

* * *

"No."

"Please."

"I said no."

"Please?"

"_No." _

"Pretty please?"

"I fucking hate you."

"I… fucking love you?"

"Natsu, get the fuck out of my apartment." And then the iron dragon slayer promptly threw his rose-haired bro out of the window, not caring if the glass shattered or if the whole fucking world imploded – as long as that creepy motherfucker left him alone.

"Please."

And Gajeel did a very unmanly jump at the voice and squeaked like a little girl.

"What the fuck! Gray?!" Indeed, there was the ice mage, crouching on his couch like some sort of winged devil. "Why are you two fucks here?!"

"We really want to go back to that restaurant," Gray's voice picked up that whiny, nasally that was fucking annoying.

Gajeel growled and hoisted up a bat, determined to fuck this jackass up, "Yea, well I'll tell you a story on how I feel about that fucking place," he moved closer to the ice mage who fell backwards off of the brown leather sofa and smacked against the hallway wall. Gajeel's red eyes took on a masochistic gleam.

"An _interactive s_tory."

* * *

Gajeel glared around the shockingly normal guild today, happy that those two fuckers finally left his god-like self alone. Like fuck, no one even _knows _what he has to put up with on a _daily _motherfucking basis. His glare pointed next to him as a familiar person perched on the bar stool beside him while tapping the bar. A second later – literally – a mug was slid his way full over frothy beer.

"So where're your stalkers – I mean, friends." Gajeel corrected himself while chugging ("BECAUSE MEN DON'T SIP!" "Fuck off Elfman, damn.") at his bourbon.

Laxus smirked slightly, "You know, off doing stalkerish things," he raised an eyebrow and glanced at the metal-studded man, "Where're yours?"

Gajeel sighed happily and chugged at the stinging drink, "For once, I am pleased to say, I do not know where-,"

And at that precise moment, this happen:

A loud snapping was heard, followed by cracking. Gajeel's bottle fell to the floor along with Laxus' drink and then they heard a horrid, blood-curdling kind of screeching. It was terrible – someone _had _to be attacking the guild – someone who used some kind of sound-magic or some shit.

Then, a huge ball was being hurtled into the guild, and that unholy screeching took on words.

"AND I CAME LIKE A WRECKING BAAAA-_LLLLLLLLL!" _they 'l' sound really went sharp and fucked up everybody's ears. Lucy actually fell down to one knee.

And atop that giant, swinging ball, were two morons screaming lyrics at the top of their lungs.

That's the day Gajeel learned never to have hope for a better tomorrow, and coincidentally, that's also the day Makarov had mid-life crisis.

* * *

Lucy sighed and swung in her apartment while rubbing her temples. God, her ears were still ringing from that terrible noise. That couldn't have been Natsu and Gray – it was too terrible to be human. The young blonde winced as she slowly undressed to take a shower and wrapped a towel around her slim body. She walked to her bathroom, cringing with every step.

She opened the door, looking forward to a hot bath when the familiar scent of strawberries and kiwis wafted out.

And that's when she saw the full view of a naked Gray.

And that's when she screamed.

"GRAY! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING!" He didn't seem to be listening, but she faintly saw his (quite muscular) shoulders shrug and she got a highly _detailed _view of _intimate _places she didn't want to _ever_ witness_ again. _She held her hands to block off the atrocious sights and nearly started crying, "Gray – get out of my bathroom! Don't you have a fucking house!?" She rarely cussed, but this was a special occasion.

"Yea," was his reply.

"CAN'T YOU SHOWER THERE?"

"You know," he didn't bother responding and met her eyes instead and she was _HIGHLY _annoyed by his smirk, "you're really being creepy and all, staring at me while I'm in the shower." And a horribly-timed blush lit up her face like a fire and _just as she was about to kill him with her bare hands, _something else startled her.

"You got any food, woman?" Came a familiar deep voice's random input. Gajeel.

And that's when she ignored him, shut her bathroom door (just stayin' in her towel), stormed to her bed and flung back the covers, and snuggled into the warmth of her sheets, hoping to maybe sleep away this nightmare, headache or no headache. That is, until she felt someone over-warm shifted next to her. In her bed.

"Oh hi Luce."

And that's when she lost it.

* * *

_dude's, Lucy's too easy to fuck with. really. oh, like, uhm, ANYONE ELSE SEE THE WARLORDS OF DRAENOR TRAILOR? LIKE WAT? so much fucking better than MoP, Cata and WotLK combined like hot damn. someone get me an ice pack, whew. *fans self*_

**Children of Light: **_ugh i love you so much. can i love you? oh well too late im loving you. yes im like a hardcore roosterteeth fan. i just love burnie and kara and gus and michael and gavin and geoff's laugh cures cancer and im slowly melting into a pool of "omfg-someone-else-who-loves-rt". and i hope you liked natsu and gray's song - they did it just for you._

_just for you, bby._

_so people thinking of trying my hand at a delena fic - should i try? maybe a dean winchester fic (cause he's my butterfly)? hmmm... ideas, people, pls? i wanna branch out from FT a bit. kthx, dolls._


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